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A Different Kind of Motherhood

There was a show that recently came out called, "This is Us". The couple is pregnant with triplets and they end up losing one of them during birth. The OB/GYN talks with the father of the triplets outside the delivery room. He says,“I like to think that one day you'll be an old man like me talkin' a young man's ear off explainin' to him how you took the sourest lemon that life has to offer and turned it into something resembling lemonade. If you can do that, then maybe you will still be taking three babies home from this hospital, just maybe not the way you planned.”

August 26, 2015, we took a baby home from the hospital. This wasn’t what we planned but he is our greatest adventure.

Instead of taking Kolbe home to the crib we had bought, we had to lay him to rest at a gravesite. Instead of shopping for baby clothes, we had to shop funeral homes. Instead of creating a birth announcement, we had to create funeral programs. My point isn’t to make you sad for us, but to give you perspective. This type of motherhood is painful and hard, but there is beauty in it.

Kolbe changed me for the better. I am not the same person that I was before my son. I believe that moments and experiences in our lives shape us. I will forever be changed because of him. Because of what Kolbe taught me during his time with us, I will forever be available to a child. I will understand how fragile life is. I will be more grateful. I will be a better wife, mom, sister, daughter, and friend. These are all extraordinary gifts. I loved him the best I could while he was here and I continue to love him each day. There is not a day that goes by that he is not a part of.

Legacy

Colin and I believe that Kolbe’s life, although short, is not insignificant. Most parents are given the opportunity to raise, nurture and help their children grow. Since Kolbe is not physically here with us we decided to take the time and energy we would have spent raising Kolbe to make a difference in others lives. We want to bring beauty from his ashes.

Since Kolbe’s birth we have raised over $18,000. With a portion of these funds we will be building a 12-child orphanage in India this upcoming June through Angel House Rescue Orphanage. We would like to invite other families or friends of families who have experienced the loss of a child to participate.

Our hope is to give families a simple, yet meaningful, opportunity to create a lasting legacy in honor of their child. Each family that donates towards the home will have the opportunity to have their child’s name on a plaque that is placed outside the home.

Matthew 5: 13-16~ Be the Salt & Light

Please come back in a few days to finish this series with an inspiring interview with Kim Hurd.

Everything Hurts

I sat on the toilet crying and telling Colin how in pain I was. He asked, “What hurts?” I replied, “Everything hurts- my body and heart. I have the chills. I am so cold.” He gently helped me maneuver from the toilet to the couch. He plugged in the heating pad and placed it on my lower back in between my body and the pillow. He put other pillows up to prop me as I was having a lot of difficulty laying flat. Whimpering, I said, “Colin, I can’t breath.”

He asked, “What do you mean you can’t breath?”

I said, "We need to go to the hospital. You need to take me to the ER now. I texted the OB/GYN and she told me that I could have blood clots in my lungs if I am having trouble breathing.”

He said, “Let’s just take a minute. Relax and try to catch your breath.”

My phone rang. It was my sister. I figured she was calling to check up on me and to mostly see how I was doing emotionally. I picked up the phone. She asked how everything was going. As I began to answer I had to try to catch my breath between words. I told her I needed to go and hung up the phone.

Colin turned to me and asked, “Were you having trouble talking to your sister on the phone?”

“Yes. We need to go.”

We both reluctantly got into the car hoping that they would tell us that it was just breast engorgement and I needed to continue to ice and put cabbage leaves on them to help with the pain. I didn’t want to be going back to the hospital. I especially didn’t want to go back to Mary Greeley as that was where I first learned that something was wrong with our little boy.

We pulled into the parking garage. We tried to find somewhere near the ER to park, but it was under construction. We ended up having to park on the opposite side of the hospital. We entered the sliding door and the security guard on duty asked us where we were headed. We asked her how to get to the ER. She explained the way to go and I stood there trying to catch my breath from my walk from the car to the door. We proceeded down the empty hallway and took a right. We entered into the back side of the ER and had to walk through it.

A nurse stopped us and asked if we were looking for the labor and delivery room. I held back the tears and said to her coldly, “no.”

As we got to the waiting room of the ER I motioned to Colin that I was going to take a seat. He went up to put my name in to be seen. He told the woman that our OBGYN in Des Moines thought that I possibly had blood clots in my lungs. By the time Colin finished saying that my name was already called. We went into a triage room near the waiting room.

After multiple tests it was confirmed; I had clots in both of my lungs. I would be admitted to the hospital and would be on blood thinners for the next six months.

Please come back in a few days for Kolbe's Legacy: Part Six

The Birth of Kolbe Scott Hurd  

We were prepared for what we wanted when we got to the hospital as we had met with S.H.I.N.E. during our pregnancy and they helped us put together our birth plan. They also had molds and anything else that we asked for ready at the hospital for memory making items that we could take home so we didn’t have to think about all of that in the moment.

We arrived at the hospital around 7:00 pm. I took off my clothes and put the gown on and sat in the hospital bed. Colin and I had decided previously that Kolbe’s legacy was something that was really important to us. We wanted people to experience him even though he wouldn’t physically be here. So, once we were admitted we shared the Facebook page we created for him, @KolbeScottHurd. We created this page just days before our 33-week appointment in hopes of having it complete by Kolbe’s arrival, as we were unsure when that would be. On his page we posted pictures of our pregnancy and shared Kolbe’s diagnosis as no one had known, except our families, until we posted that. We told people that we were admitted to the hospital and that we would be giving birth to our precious baby boy. Our hope was to create a legacy, so if people felt inclined to support us they could donate in honor of Kolbe to the Crowdrise page we had created.

We sat in the room together unsure what to expect. Part of me was excited to see our beautiful son, but the other part knew that once he was delivered he was no longer going to physically be here. I would no longer be carrying him in utero. My pregnancy with him would be over and we would be left with the grief and suffering that comes with losing a child.

The nurses were great and accommodated everything we asked for. They kept us hydrated and kept Colin full. They suggested we get some rest and told us that the Anesthesiologist would be in during the middle of the night to administer my epidural. The door opened and he turned the lights on. He had me sit on the corner of the hospital bed. Before putting the needle in he stopped to acknowledge and empathize with what we were going through. He told us that he too had lost children. He had lost two at birth and he knew that this was not an easy experience to go through. He tried to give a glimpse of hope as he talked about his four living children. My eyes were filling up with tears. He finished and left the room.

The nurses came in and out throughout the night to check my blood pressure and administer drugs to help induce labor. Needless to say, we weren’t getting much sleep between that and the blood pressure monitor continuously going off. Around 5:00 am the OB/GYN who was specialing my case came in on her day off, before her morning run, to put in a balloon to help induce labor since I was not progressing on the drugs alone. Colin and I sat there waiting.

A couple hours passed by and my OB/GYN came back in. She removed the balloon and checked to see how dilated I was. I had barely progressed. She proceeded to break my water in hopes that it would help.

My family had been at the hospital for quite some time, so we had everyone come in to say hello. They brought plenty of snacks for Colin to munch on during the day, as I wasn’t able to eat at this point. We chatted for a bit and then had everyone leave so we could have some time together before I would start pushing.

We finally got to the point where I was experiencing contractions. Colin sat to the left of me holding my hand and watching the monitor to see when to help me calm down my breathing and get through the pain. The OB/GYN told us that unfortunately Kolbe was breech and that I would not be able to push entirely once his lower half was out. I wasn’t dilated enough at that point. We had to wait to push until I progressed more. I laid there for an hour and a half in the hospital bed scared to reach for Kolbe in fear I would hurt him. I finally started to feel the urge to push and was progressed enough to continue. He was born at 6:42 pm after almost 24 hours of labor. The hospital room was silent.

 Mother and Son 

The doctor immediately handed Kolbe to me. I looked down at my son. He was so beautiful. I held his limp and lifeless body in my arms. Nothing in my life prepared me for that moment. My eyes filled with tears.

I gently handed our son to the nurse so he could have a bath. She bathed him, clothed him in the outfit we brought, wrapped him in the blanket that was made for him by my mom, and left the room to give us some privacy with our son. Colin sat beside me as I held Kolbe and we read him the book, If I Were a Giraffe. I set him down in between my legs in the hospital bed. We just looked at our son pointing out the similarities he had to both of us. He was so beautiful. He had a full head of brown hair like me. We laughed over the similarity him and Colin had with their feet and how long he was. I think when he got older he would have looked a lot like his Daddy.

Both our families were in the waiting room, so Colin went back and got groups of two to come to the room to meet their nephew/cousin/grandson. Since Kolbe was so fragile I wanted to hold him the entire time. As people came in they were able to meet Kolbe and take photographs together. It meant a lot to Colin and I to have our families there to meet our son as this would be the only opportunity they would have. This was by far one of the hardest days we have ever experienced, but we had great support in the waiting room the entire time.

Everyone met Kolbe and it was just the three of us again. Another nurse on the floor then came in to do memory-making activities in our room- footprints, handprints, molds, etc. After she left, a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep came in to do professional photos of the three of us. I will forever be grateful for these photographs.

Everything that we had put on our birth plan was complete and a man from the funeral home was on his way to pick up our son. Colin and I sat there together switching off who was holding our son. We told him how much we loved him and how sad we were that he wasn’t physically going to be here with us. I remember the last time I kissed him on the forehead before he was gone. They took our son in his basket and covered him with a blanket through the halls and to the car.

I sat there in the hospital bed feeling completely empty, like a part of me was missing and I would never get it back. My belly, that once held our son, was empty. Colin and I were both exhausted. I felt so much pain- physically, emotionally and spiritually. I remember sitting and waiting for Colin to fall asleep. I had hardly cried that entire day as I wanted it to be a happy day meeting our son.

After he fell asleep I rolled onto my side and cried.

Please come back in a few days for Kolbe's Legacy: Part Five

I was at work and my cell phone rang. It was the OB/GYN calling. It seemed too early to know the results. I picked up the phone and walked into a private room. She told me that she got the results in. I couldn’t breathe; I prayed it wasn’t life threatening. She said it is confirmed that our son has Triploidy. I thought to myself, “This isn’t one of the ones that she listed as life threatening.” I gave a sigh of relief and said, “Well that is great news.” She said, “No, Kim, this is a life threatening condition and has a 0% survival rate. Your son will either die in utero or shortly after birth.” I began to cry and thanked her for her call. I immediately hung up the phone and called Colin. We both sobbed. This was not the news any parent expects and we were devastated. The rest of the day my eyes were filled with tears as I laid my hand on my 26-week pregnant belly and told Kolbe how much I loved him.

A week after we found out Kolbe's diagnosis

No one will ever know the difficulty and suffering that comes with carrying your baby and knowing that they will die. All the things I dreamed of doing with him weren’t going to be experienced in the way I imagined it. No one, except our families, knew about his diagnosis. I wanted Kolbe to experience a full and happy life regardless of any diagnosis he had. I didn’t want our pregnancy to be treated any different and that was a gift I could give him.

I continued having my regular OB/GYN appointments with both sets of doctors. I had started seeing a rotation of the doctors who were focusing on my prenatal care in case the doctor who was specializing in my case was not able to be at the hospital when I gave birth to Kolbe. I will never forget one of the doctors whom I met. It was right after Kolbe’s diagnosis. I had seen my high risk OB/GYN right before and she gave me a packet to give to this doctor.

I walked in and gave it to the nurse and asked that she have the doctor read it prior to my appointment. Colin and I sat in the exam room and he came in. He looked at my chart and I could tell he had not read the packet as he started to ask me questions. He said that our son’s measurements were a concern and that it didn’t seem like he was growing. We both said we were aware and that was due to the fact that he was diagnosed with Triploidy. He continued to tell us he wasn’t sure of that, as he had never seen a baby make it this far with that diagnosis. I said, "Well, I had amniocentesis." He said, “Oh, bummer.” Needless to say, that appointment was over.

No Heartbeat

The doctors said I would probably not feel our baby’s movement throughout my entire pregnancy. Well, Kolbe proved them wrong. I could feel him move almost every day. I would feel his flutters and I cherished these moments together as I knew it was only temporary. I remember one night, Colin and I were sitting in bed and I was uncomfortable, and I didn’t really want to be touched. Colin jokingly placed his hand on my stomach and within moments Kolbe kicked him so hard. We both sat there laughing together. I will forever cherish that moment as it was one of the only times Colin felt our son move.

The doctors told us the farther we progressed in our pregnancy, the more likely Kolbe would be born alive. We didn't want to take any chances, so on July 7th, we had a priest come to our home and we did a belly baptism. It was really important to us that Kolbe experience this sacrament.

I had been babysitting the weekend before my 33-week appointment. I was a little hesitant when we went to my doctor’s appointment, as I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt Kolbe flutter. I lay back as she placed the ultrasound wand on my stomach. Silence. She never had issues finding his heartbeat before. Tears were building up in my eyes and Colin looked uneasy in the chair across from me. Was this his time? Had he passed?

The OB/GYN took us to the ultrasound room to see if she could find a heartbeat. Looking at the ultrasound there was no flutter of the heart or movement. He sat there, still. The OB/GYN and tech left the room to give Colin and I a moment together to process. Our son had passed away and when I would give birth to him we would hear no cry and there would once again be silence.

The OB came back in and asked when we would like to be admitted to the hospital to deliver. We decided we wanted to be admitted that night. We left our appointment in tears and went home. Colin and I lay on the bed facing one another with both hands on my stomach, crying. He was gone. We grabbed everything we could think of to pack for the hospital as this would be the only time we would have with Kolbe.

Our goal was to make a lifetime of memories in the few hours we would have with him.

Please check back for Kolbe's Legacy: Part Four, coming soon.

The Beginning

I want to be completely raw and vulnerable with you because my story is a story of suffering and beauty. I was recently told that we are called to be the hands and feet of Christ. For some reason, that inspired me to share my story and to share my journey of grief and motherhood with you.

To truly understand our journey, we must start from the beginning.

My husband Colin and I met on a March for Life trip to Washington D.C. when I was fourteen and Colin seventeen. From there, it took a while for Colin to initiate dating, but we started dating and dated for a short period of time. I broke up with Colin and we kept that “love/hate” relationship for about a year.

Both of our families were involved in a movement within the Catholic faith, so we still had that connection. I remember seeing him his senior year of high school, when he got up in front of a group of families to share that he was doing a mission year with Regnum Christi. At that point, I was like, “Ah, what was I thinking? He was such a great, Catholic guy!” So, right before he left for his mission I sent him a text to tell him that I still had feelings for him and of course he played hard to get. Before he left, we met. He told me that if I waited the year that he was gone and didn’t date anyone then, then at that point we could talk about dating. But there were still no guarantees because he was discerning priesthood or it may just not work out.

Obviously, things did work out and God’s will was for us to marry. We married three years ago, on July 27, 2013. We were married at St. Anthony’s Catholic Church in Des Moines-, which was the same place Colin announced years prior that he would be doing his mission year with Regnum Christi.

Kim and Colin on their wedding day

In 2014, Colin and I had been trying to conceive for a couple months and in January 2015 found ourselves pregnant. I couldn’t believe it! I was so excited. Right away, I felt the connection with our baby. I knew at that moment, we were no longer two, but a family of three. Our love had expanded into this new form of life and we were responsible for loving, nurturing, and caring for our baby.

We kept our news to ourselves until about 9 weeks along in our pregnancy. To share the news, we got personalized wine labels that said, “Drink for me, baby Hurd arriving October 2015!” We gave our parents the bottles and both were thrilled. Right away, they were purchasing gender-neutral items and periodically stopping by to see how I was doing.

Overall, my first trimester was pretty “uneventful.” I was extremely exhausted from the beginning and felt really nauseous, but it was manageable. Not feeling so great was just a part of motherhood and I wanted to embrace it entirely.

At our first doctor’s appointment we were supposed to hear the heartbeat. I sat on the table and laid back. The doctor came in, put gel on my stomach and began the search for our little one. All we could hear was a sound that seemed like movement: swoosh, swoosh. The doctor turned to us and said the baby was moving. She told us that to elevate some of the stress of being first time parents she wanted to do an ultrasound. She said the baby is very active and that was a great sign. We went into the ultrasound room and there our baby was with such a strong heartbeat. It was all starting to feel real as we saw our baby on the screen.

As each day passed, I became more calm and the nerves began to subside. Society tells you that once you hear the heartbeat and/or make it past 12 weeks you are guaranteed a successful pregnancy. No one talks about the possibility of an in-utero diagnosis or infant loss.

Around 18 weeks, I started to experience pain and discomfort in my side. The doctor had me come in and we did an ultrasound of my kidneys to rule out a kidney stone. The tech looked around and did not see anything unusual. As she finished the ultrasound she asked if we would like to see our baby. Of course we did! So, she moved the wand down and there our baby was again with a healthy heartbeat and forming beautifully. She asked if we wanted to know the sex as she could tell. We had been going back on forth on whether we wanted to know or not. We decided we were going to find out, well, my patience decided in that moment that we would, anyways! She said, “It’s a boy!” Looking at Colin in that moment was unforgettable. He looked so full of joy. The tech told us that the doctor still wanted us to come in at our 20-week appointment and that we would be amazed at how much our baby would grow between now and then.

Kolbe Scott Hurd

Naming Our Son

We went back and forth throughout the first 18 weeks of my pregnancy. Finally, we decided upon a name that we thought was strong- Kolbe Scott Hurd. His first name was a result of two things. First, it came from St. Maximilian Kolbe. He was a strong saint and had a beautiful story in his devotion to God’s will. Second, that was literally the only name we both liked and could agree upon. His middle name came from Colin’s Dad’s name. His Dad passed away from Melanoma a year before we found out we were pregnant with Kolbe.  We wanted to incorporate his name in our son’s.

St. Maxmilian Kolbe, design by Cassie Pease Designs

20 Weeks

Our 20-week appointment was first-thing in the morning. We sat in the waiting room together waiting to be called back. They called us back and started the ultrasound. As I looked at our son on the screen I was a little concerned. I was recalling the tech’s comment about the growth we should see.  The tech kept pausing and got up. She did that a couple times during our appointment. The last time she left the room, I turned to Colin and said, “I think something is wrong.”

The tech returned and escorted us to one of the exam rooms. My eyes were filling up with tears. I knew something wasn’t right. The doctor walked in and told us that the baby wasn’t hitting the measurements they would anticipate at this point. In addition, she had some concerns with his heart. Her hands were full of pamphlets. She said for the remainder of my pregnancy I would need to be seen, in addition to these appointments, by a high risk OB/GYN. She gave me tissues and escorted us out without scheduling my 24- week appointment. I left thinking, “Did they not schedule my follow-up appointment because they think our son will die between now and then?”

There was no way we would be returning to work that day, so we left in our separate cars to meet at home. I was crying. I called my sister, Katie. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what was wrong. I felt helpless. She answered. I sobbed. I couldn’t even speak. When we got home we sat on the couch and embraced one another. We sobbed. I will never forget that moment- the uncertainty, anxiety, and fear. The three of us just sat there.

Please check back for Kolbe's Legacy: Part Two, coming soon.

We are parents to a lively, squirmy, joyful, life-loving one year-old. Before God made us her parents, our faith life looked very different than it does now.

We used to arrive very early for Mass to make sure we had enough time to pray and prepare ourselves beforehand.

I would journal during Mass and write notes during the Homily so I would retain more of what I learned during the Mass.

We attended Eucharistic Adoration once a week.

We were constantly reading enriching books or listening to talks about our Catholic faith.

We prayed together for a good fifteen minutes every night.

I was saying the Rosary often and had a lot of time to spend in reflection and prayer every day.

I would read through countless Catholic blogs and stayed up-to-date on everything developing with our Pope and our faith. I felt so "plugged in"!

Now? 

We are coming up on the one year milestone for our little one. ONE YEAR! How?! So many fellow mommas told me this would happen-that time would fly by. As hard as I tried to capture time in a jar, it didn't work. I tried to take in every moment and absorb every precious development milestone and I wrote down every single detail in her baby book. Still. Time flew by! What a beautiful and awe-inspiring year it's been!

With her celebration close at hand, I spent some time coming up with a sugar-free-friendly and tasty cake-like treat she could smash her chubby cherub hands into. It turned out so well! It was so good that my husband and I enjoyed the extras for ourselves and for breakfast the following day! They are guilt-free and won't leave you with a horrible sugar crash.

Sisters, I have a confession to make. I worry. Way. Too. Much. And, since becoming a mom, that worry has reached an all-time high! With such an influx of information about "how best to take care of baby", there are so many new what-ifs and am-I-doing-this-rights that I don't know how my head is still screwed on. My fellow moms tell me this is completely normal, BUT. I'm starting to see a trend where these worries are starting to rob me of the joys of motherhood. And I can tell you flat out where I think a large majority of these worries are sprouting from: Social Media.

Our Mary Altar

May is one of my favorite months of the year. Everything is in bloom. There's an overwhelming sense of renewal and rejuvenation as we spring clean our homes and the world becomes warm and green again. Many Catholic churches are having May Crowning ceremonies to honor Mary. The second weekend of the month, we celebrate Mother's Day.

During the month of May, we celebrate mothers and most important, our Holy Mother Mary. During May, we don't just celebrate women who give birth, but also the culture of motherhood and those with a mothering heart. Our Holy Mother is such a powerful example of the spirit of motherhood! While the month is nearly half over, it is not too late to do something special to honor her and celebrate the gift and culture of motherhood. There are so many things you can do; both simple, on a daily basis, and ongoing!