Like many young Catholics who head to college, I quit attending Mass shortly after I arrived on campus. I was consumed with classes, making new friends, getting involved in various activities, and Mass just wasn’t that important to me. Sadly, this was the first step toward me leaving the Catholic Church. You might be wondering what would go through my mind on Sundays. Did I have any guilt about not going to Mass? A little bit. But the minute I felt that pang of guilt, I’d quickly justify my decision by saying to myself, “I deserve to sleep in. It’s been a stressful week.” Or, “Why do I need to go to a building to worship God?” Or better yet, “I have a non-reliable car. I better not go. It might break down on the way there.” Ha. The way we justify our sin can be so ridiculous sometimes.
This pang of guilt would pinch a bit harder when I was home for the holidays and we’d attend Mass as a family. I felt like a stranger in the pew, yet surprised at how well my muscle memory remembered the Creed and the other prayers and movements throughout the Mass. Strangely, even when I'd been away for so long, it felt like I was coming home.
The familiar creak of the pews and faces in my hometown parish were a wonderful comfort. The Eucharist was comforting, too. Unfortunately, I still didn't realize the gravity of what I was holding in my hand when I accepted the Eucharist. Even more unfortunate was that I didn't realize how comforting the sacraments could be to all world-weary souls like me.
In the spring of my second year of college, I joined a choir at the Catholic student center on campus. During rehearsals, I became very attracted to a young man who, unfortunately, was dating someone else at the time. We would run into each other through similar circles of friends, but we never dated in college. Still, whenever we'd run into each other, I felt a strange pull and attraction to him. Unknown to me at that time, God had bigger plans for us both.
While at college, I had a few long-term relationships and a couple of them were with “Catholic" guys. After dating for a while, I discovered they were raised Catholic but had no intention of keeping or pursuing their faith. At the time, this didn't bother me because I thought faith was merely personal and unimportant in a marriage. If we had differing opinions, we'd "make it work".
Since I was a little girl, I strongly felt called to the vocation of marriage, but as each relationship progressed, I realized I couldn’t marry a man who was Catholic in name only. He needed to live like a Catholic. And so did I! I really wanted to know more about my faith, but the guys I dated were not at all interested in finding out more, let alone wanting to live out our faith. Now, I understand that sometimes, interfaith marriages do work and can be beautiful witnesses to marriage and family life. But for me, having a Catholic husband to share and grow in my faith with was very important to me and was becoming more important as I grew closer to Christ.
Growing up, I was very blessed to have a dad who was a wonderful Catholic role model to his children. At the time, I hated how adamant he was about making us go to Mass and making faith a priority. Looking back, I now know what a great blessing this was. For a parent to make this a priority in such a large and busy family was no small feat. He was also a very present and devoted father. The more I dated, the more I realized that if God had a man set aside for me, he would have to be a lot like my own father: kind, loving, and devoted; to his faith and his family. As each of my relationships grew more serious and the thought of marriage entered our conversations, I began to panic; thinking that if I really wanted to get to know my faith, this relationship was not going to help. When each one ended, I told myself the next guy I dated would need to take his faith more seriously. Sadly, I was let down and sorely disappointed with each one.
As college graduation rolled around, I found myself a single woman. Deep down I knew this was a good thing, but at the time I was quite devastated. I had imagined that by now, I’d be married to my “soul mate”. I imagined we'd get out of the Midwest, move to the east coast, and pursue our dreams together. We'd be hugely successful in our careers and maybe have one or two kids, if any. Or maybe we'd only have a dog. Ha. Looking back as the person I am now, I was such a fool to think that was what I wanted and that these things would make me happy. Would they make me temporarily happy? Sure. But eternally happy? Nope. As I later discovered, only God can make me eternally happy and I needed to be happy as His daughter first, before I could be happy as a wife and mother.
After I graduated college, I headed to the east coast for an internship with a performing arts organization. I thought, “Wow. I’m really on my way!” I felt my heart was full and everything was just as I wanted it to be. Notice how I said “I” there? This was my second internship and I had grown accustomed to rubbing shoulders with celebrities, coordinating big and elegant events with the city's elete, meeting people who were hugely successful in the theater and cinema world...... But one night, as I was lying in bed, I suddenly realized I was swimming in loneliness and a deep realization that this was not where I truly wanted or needed to be. I was filling a deep void of emptimess with striving for fame, being social, making myself so busy with activies and noise that I had numbed various issues and struggles I had been running from for a while now. I couldn’t believe my feelings. Here I was on the east coast, in the midst of a highly-coveted, prestigious internship with paid housing in the inner city and a stipend, and yet, I was realizing this might not be what I was meant to do. What was going on?! Looking back, I know it was God whispering in my ear. He knew that the limelight and success were not the things that would make me truly happy. While that year away from home was very hard, it was the year that God brought me back to the faith. All I had to do was say “yes” and let him take the lead.
Go here for part 3!
