Okay...this is going to be a very painful blog entry to write....mostly because I have to admit some things about myself that I struggle with and.....that pride thing. Ugh. Thank God for His mercy and for giving me a husband who is so patient and merciful with me!
Before having our little one, I thought I trusted my husband in all things 100%. Turns out, I didn't trust him as much as I thought or as much as I really need to. Why is that? The trust I struggle with has nothing to do with fidelity. It all has to do with my expectations of him and trusting him to fulfill his vocation as HE'S meant to...... as we both enter this daunting yet amazing journey called, "Parenthood". *Insert heralding trumpets here*.
Ten months in, I am doing much better (still not perfect!) at letting go and trusting God and my husband. Looking back on this time of growing pains, there are many things I've learned as I continue discerning how God wants me to be a better wife and mom. I hope I can make sense of it all. Here goes!
My husband was not scared to have children and has totally embraced fatherhood but, many times, he is very timid to take over for me when I need some time to myself to run an errand, take a shower, or just spend some time alone. This, in turn, makes me nervous to leave baby with him. Or, he asks so many questions about what to do that I grow frustrated and attack him WRONGLY and subconsciously assume it's because he doesn't care or he doesn't pay attention when I'm showing him what to do. This escalates if we're in a rush and I have to be somewhere, but have to stop and explain things again. I don't mean for this to sound so critical of my husband-he is an AMAZING dad, but more and more I'm realizing some very ugly things about myself that is making this parenting journey very hard on him. And it's all because of me. Now that you have the backstory, here are some lessons I've learned.
1. My husband is relevant and important
I feel silly even saying this, but it has to be said. We need to remember that our husbands are so important and relevant to our families; especially in a society that bombards us with messages like:
Fatherhood is a social choice.
Fathers aren't important or necessary.
This is so damaging and has done terrible harm to marriages and families. Look at pop culture and how dads are portrayed in TV sitcoms and movies. We've developed this irresponsible stereotype that dads are dumb, irrelevant, good-for-nothings (here's looking at you, Homer Simpson).
This stereotype is only made worse by the fact that, due to families having fewer children, those who become parents have had little to no experience with babies/small children. While I was growing up there were so many babies and little ones toddling around I couldn't keep their names straight! I was always babysitting and holding little ones, so I came into motherhood knowing how to hold and care for them. My husband didn't grow up around many small children. This explains why sometimes, he is so timid to care for baby when I'm not there. At first, he wasn't very confident to care for baby on his own. With time, he has become much more confident.
Our child is the first baby that his side of the family has had in many years. Families with fewer children are becoming more and more common. Our society views children as a financial burden to be avoided and parents are considered irresponsible by having more than two. So now you have men who've never had experience with little children become emotionally vulnerable new parents, and are then told by society they are irrelevant and inadequate. Harsh. This is escalated by wives who are used to this idea that they can do it all on their own and don't need their husband's help to parent. Ladies, we've gotta be so careful not to perpetuate this.
2. My expectations are too high
Many of you are reading this post and have already diagnosed me as a Type A personality. Yep. You are correct. While I don't fit perfectly into that box, I'm direct and to-the-point, very focused and driven, goal oriented, and I have little patience sometimes-especially when things don't go as planned, I'm sleep-deprived, or hungry. God is chuckling at me while I post this because He KNOWS I need motherhood to sanctify me and help me with this patience thing. Holy smokes. So, as a high achiever, I have super high expectations of myself and.....everyone else. This causes me to have terrible patience. So when my husband asks a lot of questions about how to care for our child, it's because he cares so much; not because he doesn't care enough. I'm misinterpreting his motivations because I'm wearing my Type-A glasses and need to remember it was his heart I fell in love with and it was him I married. Not myself. Thank goodness for that. I'd go crazy being married to myself!
3. My expectations are misguided
I'm learning there is a HUGE difference between expecting the best from someone and expecting them to be perfect. I forget this often and I'm figuring out that, while my husband may not care for our daughter like I do, he cares for her as much as I do. We are wired differently and God didn't wire men and women to care for their children the same way. At the same intensity? Yes! But in different ways. We both bring unique gifts to the table and our daughter will benefit from both sets of gifts. I need to stand back and accept that my husband is not going to care for her according to my definition of "as well as I do". The "as well as I do" is purely based on my expectations. I need to let this go and just let him Dad how he Dads and not expect him to Dad like I Mom. The best part of this realization? Knowing that my husband puts God first and foremost in his life is a great comfort because I know he is letting God lead his fatherhood journey. This tells me I can trust he'll do what is best for our daughter, according to how God is directing and guiding his heart. This is NOT going to look the same as the guidance and direction God is giving me along my motherhood journey. I need to constantly remind myself of this.
4. When my relationship with God is in a place where I don't trust Him and give Him total control, it affects how much trust and responsibility I give my husband. It also gives Satan an easy way in to break down our marriage.
Right now, my husband and I are still figuring out our life balance with having another person in our family. We don't spend nearly as much time in prayer as we did before and that loss of time with God is definitely playing a role in my insecurities behind letting him Dad. Isn't it crazy how our weaknesses in our relationship with God totally manifest themselves in our real-life relationships? This is especially true for marriage.
The longer we're married and the more changes we go through together, the more I can see the ways Satan tries to sabotage our marriage and how he stealthily creeps into our relationship by exploiting our insecurities and vulnerabilities, breaking down our trust in one another, and fooling us into attacking our spouse because they aren't "perfect" or living up to our expectations. This is so damaging and so painful. When I get the urge to snip at or attack my husband, I need to take a deep breath and remind myself Satan is the real enemy- NOT my husband! We constantly need to take the time to reflect on our marriage and recognize where Satan is at work, so we can call him out before things get worse. We need to build up and encourage our husbands. We honor and empower our husbands by reminding them their work is SO important, relevant, and crucial to our family.
Something I can't recommend enough to all of you moms out there who are reading this post and nodding your head in agreement....try and find a way to go to Eucharistic Adoration when you can. This hour of silence is like an hour at the spa for my mind and body. I'm able to completely let go and lay down every concern and care, every guilt and every insecurity as a wife and new mom.... and just be held by our Father.
In this Year of Mercy, I highly recommend praying the Chaplet of Divine Mercy. This prayer is a powerful reminder of His radical mercy; how it is endless and completely envelops all of us. We need His mercy so much every day-especially in the hard and tiring moments of parenthood. We need to know how He loves us so completely with His mercy so that we can love our spouse completely. His mercy is very present in how He finds little ways to spoil me in the daily grind, how my husband is so quick to forgive my mess ups......but when I'm in His real presence during Adoration, He reminds me that, even though I totally haven't gotten this wife/motherhood vocation down yet, He is right there with me to help me figure it out. And He reminds me that He's sent my husband to help me, too. I can't imagine being on this parenting journey without him and I'm so grateful he's here by my side!
St. Joseph, patron saint of husbands, pray for us so we may help our husbands fulfill their vocation and help them get to Heaven!
For more reading on Type A moms, I highly recommend the blog A Mother Far From Home and Rachel's fantastic series on Type A moms. Go HERE.
To learn and/or recite the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, go HERE.
